My partner had to learn to adjust to a massive change in our relationship and in me. We both are very logic- and reason-focused people, That bit in particular sounds so much like my ex-husband. What it shows is that, really, the storytellers have no idea what your problem works or feels like. You really loved him for the way he was always kissing you on your face, holding your hand when crossing a busy street, or shopping in a supermarket. Earlier in your relationship, your partner was always interested in finding out things about you, from your goals and dreams, to your likes and dislikes, and even how your day was. If he reacts poorly, or if LW feels unable to give advice because he claims that means theyre unsupportive (an only-to-real double standard), then that is key information and likely points to the impending doom of the relationship. Dont communicate with him except through text/email (if you feel it will be less intense than talking on the phone or in person) or calling each other constantly throughout the day when there are only going to be more fights about who called first and why so much time has passed without either of you initiating contact. Listen to his response and try to . Therefore it can never be a cure or anything more than an occasional thing. I think this is great advice. What would be his next project if you suddenly started following all his rules precisely? Because he has a low self esteem and is afraid of losing you. If what he says pisses you off, take it as a good sign that your self-respect and self-preservation instincts are waking up and working. but it gets me out of my room and gives me things to look at and think about other than hating myself. I love it, he doesnt. Id been through worse. Openly and blatantly. Now youre healing and getting better, and he doesnt have the control he used to! LW, if you feel like this isnt the most useful idea for you, thats okay. A lot of people who have disabilities end up with serious social problems, at least for a while, as they have to figure out which people will still treat them well and which will cause them problems in all sorts of new ways. Or maybe its because walking isnt competitive in any way? Like the Captain said, if it helps you have the conversation, totally go for it. (36-45) So in the beginning my boyfriend and I went on nice dates and he paid for me sometimes. On a very small and lighter note, and maybe as perspective, I think that eating whatever the heck one wants when partner is out of town is The Very Best Thing You Could Ever Do. Not bully me or harangue me into preparing something for myself but actually sit me down and put a plate in front of me. It took me FOREVER to figure out, on my own, that a partner who was contributing nothing to the relationship and refused to take steps that would get him on the path to feeling able to contribute, was not someone I needed in my life. This is awesome! They are going to find your assertiveness attractive and pleasing and be relieved that maybe they can stop worrying about you. A guy might do it, but he'll typically feel like a loser or weakling for asking for support or even talking about his feelings. The idea of setting up a should about something like food or exercise for her and expecting her to abide by it sounds abhorrent. It was hard on both of us. Is he happy? Regarding being able to change people: LWs boyfriend is *technically* correct if he continues with his controlling behaviour, it will almost certainly change the LW just not into the the happy, healthy LW he is trying to sell them. Sometimes I clean, sometimes I knit, sometimes I go for a walk, but I feel like the fastest way to undermine him is to should at him. Why would they do that to me?. Men who are attracted to you will not refuse sex from you on a very regular basis. Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. Anyway, enough about me. If this IS the case, he does mean well, but hes going about things all wrong. That does not sound like respect. Set the boundary with your boyfriend, let him say whatever he's going to say, and try not to internalize any of it. If this seems like the case for your boyfriend then give him some space by taking a step back yourself. I like it on toasted cinnamon-raisin bread. Or maybe your boyfriend hasnt really been invested from the beginning and what seemed like an effort on his part was simply because he felt obliged to try since you gave him such strong signals early on. I hate those inspirational stories. Not immediately or perfectly, but noticeably and more over time. I have always had trouble wrapping my mind around the idea of not wanting to be comfortable. Work. "Cheaters may downplay the nature of their relationship with their lover by insisting that they are just friends and adding that they are not their type," shares Lawless. Run. Seconded! From the information we have from the letter, Id say theres an incorrect assumption hiding in there. When I was unhappy with the way her behaviour impacted me, our living space, or our relationship I saw the fact she wouldnt do the easy, obvious things I told her she ought to as indications that she wasnt actually committed to her claims or our life together. Yeah, my dad did things like that to me as a kid and it was bad. I feel like the most charitable view of your boyfriend is maybe someone who doesnt understand depression very well (though who knows, he may even have had first hand experience but its a mental illness that everyone experiences vastly differently) and has absorbed all the messages of exercise releases serotonin and Good Hormones so it is the Natural Cure! Walking is much better for me, sure it isnt strenuous (seriously, WTF????) OTOH, healthy eating and exercise are also always promoted as the big pop-cultural panaceas for depression and are indeed helpful tools for some people, sometimes, but unfortunately mesh far too well with the cultural meme that people are only sick (or fat) because theyre lazy, greedy or just Not Trying Hard Enough. Hell yeah! This is a guy who hasnt figured out that nagging doesnt work despite all kinds of evidence to the contrary. I hope you find your way to a nagging-free home, one way or another. But you shouldnt have to put up with constant questioning from anyone, especially when theyve been told to back off. This is emotionally manipulative behavior. He might also benefit from seeing a therapist or counsellor himself to get some help supporting you. Soudns like hed already evolved into a wanker. I have no idea if my dumping him finally gave him the kick in the pants he needed to dowell, anything (we havent talked since he moved his stuff out), but I can say my life improved drastically! I wholeheartedly agree. This is a guy who shuts down when hes mad. Thanks for this post, Captain and LW. Try Meetup.com, a class, finding an exercise buddy who is at your level and who likes to do the same stuff you like, volunteering. Ikind of feel like a great, positive life change that will help combat depression is getting this dude the hell away from where you are, OP. In my relationship Im on both sides of the caring/cared for spectrum: I have depression and my partner is physically disabled. Its always so much easier to see things from an objective perspective when one is looking in from the outside. Love is out there girls, just make sure you are attentive and smart when it comes to a long distance roller coaster ride. All good things. Expressing that anger towards the situation? This helps us because it is a concrete thing he can do (yay I am helping someone I love) and actually helps me. Basically, when my brain is yelling at me, but what if he gets worse?!? Thats such an underhand control technique, as is the not-so-subtle belittling that happens in the guise of help.. When your boyfriend stops calling the first thing you should determine is whether you did something that may have gotten him upset. Was there a specific moment where things changed, or were they gradual just something small at first but now taking up all of his time so he doesnt have any left for you anymore? As the Captain has pointed out, the LW is the expert on their own life and relationship, and probably has enough You need to in their life already without getting it here. The dissonance between everyone says exercising will help! Ive been gone for a week, and Im not going to believe you if you tell me you ate healthy isnt about keeping score at all. its one of the downsides of having a toddler he still needs decent meals to function at anything like a survivable level. I dont think it really matters whether LWs boyfriend is doing this to try to make her non-depressed, thin or both; hes behaving in a way thats controlling and unhelpful, whatever his reasons. ME. We broke up, but were still friends today, and he honestly tried his best. I've compiled a list of 7 signs you need to stop trying to save a failing relationship. Some of our friends came up with a concotion called a Mahi Mahi pizza, which is basically a Hawaiian pizza with anchovies. Feeling upset with the situation that your partner is not healthy? Another sign your boyfriend has stopped making an effort is that you start doubting whether he really loves, cares, and wants to be with you. Also, it annoys the crap out of me. I recognize that it can be really frustrating to coexist with someone elses depression, but the thing is, your boyfriend is not obligated to stay if he cant deal with it. Theres a bigamist in my family tree he walked out on one family, changed his name and got married again. All of the Captains response has me leaping up saying Yes! because I so agree. Im sad because the person I love is sad, and I want them to be happy. But, if that was all there was to it, he wouldnt be getting angry when she isnt doing those things, or dismissing and belittling her words. He had a car and I didnt, and I didnt live near public transportation. Essentially, he supported me equally on good days and bad days. When were checked out its just not worth the effort anymore, so youll get more one word responses. However, intent isnt magic and the effect of his actions do cause you harm. If you hold the partner responsible for that anger and try to change them, its not going to help anyone. I can't believe it. And celebrate a little. My ex did this. It doesnt matter what a partner is interested in controlling, your food intake, your hairstyle, how much work you do, how much sleep you get; when theyre trying to control you and cannot seem to be redirected, it is time to take the advice of the Doctor. He still has episodes but they are further apart and not as bad when they happen, because a big chunk of the emotional part of his depression was seated in a feeling of helplessness, and owning his own stuff made him feel competent. The relationship is no longer going anywhere, Ill let you have your way simply so we can stop talking about it. Oh wow. Assuming that he doesn 't have a hormone issue, a man who is attracted to a woman will probably want to have sex. He'd make you feel special by giving you his undivided attention during these conversations. Want to have breakfast next Saturday/Catch up by Skype or phone soon? Since it sounds like your family might not be supportive, avoid them for now, and avoid all people who tend to make you feel small or sap your energy or who have the same bossy/halping tendencies as your boyfriend. Granted, I know manipulative people who are in total denial that they are so, and are sure everything they are doing is for other peoples good (again, back to the 5-year-old Im helping!). I know I'm not perfect and made mistakes (not cheating or anything like that). I have to consciously remind myself sometimes that feelings are allowed because I would like life better if I could reason them away, or at the very least put them in a box labeled This feeling serves X purpose. But this very desire means I know how nonsensical my own brain can be when it comes to why I feel what I feel, so I cant fathom trying to turn that analysis onto someone else as if I know how to solve someone elses feelingsbraincomplex. No one can acknowledge it exists. He Stopped Calling. Life might be simpler for some of us if it were like that, but it isnt. My great-grandfather had families in the UK, Germany and Australia, none of whom were aware of each other until Facebook. You are doing FINE. Prioritize on how to deal with your boyfriend and setting boundaries, because I know from experience, it can tear down your progress in a flash. We spent an hour together crafting a long list of things he could do for me, with me. You can tell that he isnt as into you anymore because of the lack of physical contact between both of you. He wants to spiral your self-esteem back down, and then play the good boyfriend who knows whats best for poor you card. No is not an argument or a conversation, and youve said no to him his continuing to push, to decide for you how your body should be, how your life should be, is not okay. Do you want to be with someone who never likes you for you? And another thing Its generally accepted that self-care is good for self-esteem. Yes. What is that one spot where youve always wanted to go but never had a chance yet? Hell either stop talking, or hell go into a bluster-storm of What did you just say? And I have never regretted that decision even once. Emotion or relationship conversations have to start with establishing a logical framework of the situation that makes sense to him; if hes confused, he clams up in great distress. You deserve to be with someone who shows you respect who likes you the way you are, who isnt always trying to fix you and who listens when you ask him to stop certain behaviours rather than telling you your request is ridiculous. but wanted to make sure you knew he wasnt judging/minding/caring about your choice of snack. Some men prefer to chase women rather than being in a relationship with them. Sometimes your SO wants you to help, and has ideas on how you can, but those ideas are often wrong. Sounds like my Dad. The boyfriend may well not be reasonable. it doesnt extend to someone elses body/diet/etc, and EVEN IF YOU WERE OKAY WITH THAT or had asked his advice (and you do not ever have to), you still get 50% weight, which is the ability to say Thats nice that you think that, but Ive decided nope. *cough* Nah, it just made me more sneaky and creative, what were they going to do, strip search me? A few weeks ago I started to notice that, well, he kind of smelled bad. You will lose your boyfriend if you clutch him too tightly. What steps can you take in order for him to feel less obliged and more willing again about making an effort with your relationship? What places in the city do you love going to most? Weve broken up now and I think its safe to say were both much, much happier. Some of the things the LW mentioned (such as helping with chores) certainly could affect the boyfriend, while there are other things (the LWs exercise and food intake) that do NOT affect the boyfriend. Anonymous: Anonymous wrote:Asexual people are asexual- they don't want sex even when the relationship is new and exciting. When I have the house to myself for a few days, I like to use some of the time for cooking experiments. People who genuinely are that logical will tie themselves in knots trying to analyze their own feelings. Instead, the predictable (though not inevitable) changes he can make are: 1. Because Reasons? . Yo! Hopefully asking questions like this would help suss that out. But then kept sending financial support to his (first) wife, who knew that he was alive and had another family. I have friends who spell it shud because they think its a four-letter word. Yeah. She can call a plumber or locksmith. At all. If I turn back to him and say I dont feel like it, hes completely down with that. It doesnt bother me because of how he asks gently, not sternly, the tone he uses, and because the rest of the time he demonstrates how damnably attractive I am to him. Talk to your boyfriend in a quiet, calm setting. Soup kitchens. It sounds to me as if you have some clarity on what would be helpful to you. He is mad at you for not being good enough he wants you to feel like you have to earn his affection. Even if improvement is made, it wont be enough to him, and he can still be in charge. There will always be something that can be improved, because people are people, and people are imperfect. After a couple of years of therapy a light bulb clicked on over my head that I surprise! I was in a controlling relationship (where I had recurrent depression) and it took being away from my partner for 3 months (he left the country to visit family) to feel the intense relief and lift of stress and realize that the main problem was actually him. Flags everywhere! I said I agreed, and we broke things off by mutual agreement. Yeah, he sounds like the things my Jerkbrain says when I am doing a really good job in my life and my asshole brains like YEAH well, itll never be good enough, SO! He also sounds like the physical (/verbal) manifestation of Compulsive Skin Picking which is *literally* a process by which I pick myself apart. We sat side by side on the couch, and he told my therapist how much he loved me, how much he wanted to help me, and how much it hurt him to see me suffering. be positive about the steps your partner does take every time I am aware of my partner taking a session on his exercise bike (which isnt every time he uses it, but often we watch tv together while he exercises), I comment about how I am proud of him. When I was in my early 20s I was a mess. (But again, I do think its an excellent tool to help evaluate a relationship.). Finally I flat out refused. Also, for what its worth, I hate the Im so logical, therefore I know everything and Im right all the time thing. Your boyfriends reaction to those scripts will tell you whether this relationship is worth keeping, or whether its time to move on. Part of why its so difficult to break up with someone without a Huge Serious Reason is that without one, theres no defined point at which you MUST do it. LW, Im so sorry youre dealing with this. I feel so much better and so much stronger. Second, this worries me, the idea that his view is likely if she just does these things, I wont have to deal with her being depressed.. Some people need their partner to be less than them so they feel secure. Sometimes I hope that these people (whose letters and calls make me very sad for them sometimes) read the message they just sent, or listen to the sound of their own voice, and realize before the response even comes that its time to DTMFA. Seriously. Its more like, I am too physically exhausted to self-sabotage by not getting enough sleep. Also a lot of people staying in abusive marriages because leaving wasnt an option. So LW: dump your boyfriend, or dont dump your boyfriend. Do not wait until the stress of dealing with him makes your fingers itch for a sharp object (or whatever). The closest he comes is But that doesnt make sense! Which, you will notice, does not contain the word you. A person who is engaged in actual logicking is thinking about statements, not persons, nor how much better they are than you. Dear LW, But in my experience, the kind of mindset that prides itself on being reasonable and feels comfortable saying thats the stupidest thing Ive ever heard to ANYTHING their loved one says. Run. I had a boyfriend like that once. Theyre angry with the situation, but love & respect their partner. 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