He has always said that if we stay together, we have to have a child. Hi Tina, I have 2 kids under the age of 5 and he was not ready to be a stepfather, so i stop myself from liking him more than i should. Thats few days before appointment date. Dear Dr. Deb The first among the 15 ideas for a perfect first date is to plan a place where you both will be comfortable My question is. I never felt so much respect and care from a male in my life. One. He tends to not see his fault in things and blames me for our issues. she broke up with me 6 weeks ago and it really made me realise how much of a douche i was and how much i love her. He gave me the letters i wrote back, said he will come around our son when he is a better role model and that he doesnt exist to me or my family and never to contact him again. We have two children 16 and a 6 yr old . Im lost, hurt, and I want him in my life because he is my person. Weve litterly been up all night talking and Ive cried so much that I have no tears left in my eyes. I must show I respect him, instead of blowing him off. Him not being sure had really upset me because I had been having a really bad day and I needed him. That is not healthy. We made appointment to go lay week Friday but instead she came to my house on Tuesday same week. Our initial argument/cause of separation was no longer a problem. She would get drunk and mean and i mean reeallly mean. I was upset that he went out with his friend who treated me really badly a few years ago. She asked who are you with?. I dont get it. And said things that shouldve never been said just to hurt one another. Next, you say that if you do divorce, you will try to get custody. When our wedding song comes on he always wants to slow dance and he tears up but I feel nothing. And then he says you dont want to have kids. I was adopted by a childless couple when i was 7 years old. I needed a wake up to realize that i was going down the wrong path, but I am honestly working on it. It comes as no news to you that you can wind up loving and hating someone the same time when they have broken your heart into a million pieces. Thats compassion. He just like forgot about me and treats me like garbage now. Perhaps he was always an unhappy person? He started talking to a 22 year old in South Dakota through Skype. Please take care of yourself by getting counseling to give yourself the self-love that you need to make up for what your parents didnt give you. Time passed, I got weak and joined in myself. you are welcome my friend it is a great pleasure meeting you here on facebook but i would really love to know more about this angel parading herself as human that has captivated me with her lovely smile. Hi dr, Im so deeply in love with a guy I meet online, but we never met yet personal, because we are staying in different provinces. I get home the next day and she breaks up with me and says I am not in her future. She wants to speak with somebody like a family counselor. All these people are people who he has worked with for 15-20 years. Any advice you could give me would be great. I made him tell his parents & called the wedding offso therefore we purchased a very nice home in April which we were supposed to be married prior to moving into our home but instead we married in May making the house not marital property. His hurt is pure anger now. I turned down advances from other women, showed her texts and even went as far as giving her my phone passcode and keys to my apartment. I dont believe it myself. It is really important that the counselor be specifically trained in MARRIAGE & FAMILY THERAPY. At this point I need advice on how to begin to gain his trust and respect again. My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 yrs and we recently just parted ways in the past 4 days. I ache so bad, I know I am at fault. But we seemed to make up everytime. I sent her flowers today to try and start the romantic spark again. Ive been made aware of the changes that I needed to make to be a better woman, in general, and I am ready to move forward. She takes pain pills for diseases she has, and ive known that for years, but for whatever reason, my subconscious compulsive mind led me to do it. He was extremely inexperienced, and kept things from me for awhile about him doing things with other girls (one was returning with hickeys after the night he was supposed to break up with the other girl he was dating because we had decided to be monogamous. Im struggling with communication issues with my partner. It is not on the surface. i am trying doc. Hate can serve to preserve the closeness of a relationship. And I dont know if Ill be able to get him back. i would send him msgs but he would just ignore replying me or he replys in ashort way with out trying to find out how i was like he used to do. It appears that he says he wants to try, but he isnt really even trying. I dont know what to do. If you have a need to talk, then you are still insecure. Its not true!. We lived together, slept together, and had sex, which was passionate at first. My son has to suffer. Good Morning. i never wanted him back or something. How can I tear diwn the wall that has been built around her that bears my name? I need help ;( seriously. Talking with him doesnt help. While I feel terribly impulsive right now, I know patience is needed. We have to start telling ourselves that we are a good person, that we were born to give the world something special, that life is meant for us to be happy with, and so forth. she has said that she felt this way for almost 2 years. Me and my husband (together 10 years, married 18m) have 2 children together. We talk about getting married in the future and we both know that we want to be long time life partners. !And you are also right about Not Being able to feel Love OR Pain!! I hate to make this so short when your letter was so long but what I think you both need is support in a big way. she said she cannot let go of what happened in the past and that is partially why she feels this way today. She replied my baby father said if I sleep here I should never come home anymore. Our marriage has been rocky ever since. Your husband needs help. After a day of feeling so heartbroken and finally turning to God for the matter, I sent her a message saying I realized what I was doing to her. If she is in the same place that I am, she heard the words Im sorry so much that they mean nothing. I feel like there is something wrong with me Im so lost and scared that he will eventually leave me as Im not good enough for him anymore an Ill be left on my own with our 2 children. Give that effort and love to your child. I have been married for 14 years to someone who is emotionally unavailable. 5 days passed and no word. Literally hundreds of texts were shared & then my husband had gone on to a BlackBerry so text messages werent recorded on his bills. Because vulnerability increases the chance that you might get hurt, being vulnerable can be scary. And then prescription drugs painkillers took over. But if he turns out to be the father I dont know if I should stay or go? That is, when nature takes its course and the excitement of first love changes to the more natural state of normal closeness and bonding? We have been living together for five years, and married for two and a half. He was my perfect first boyfriend and I needed to be the perfect girlfriend. https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html. If all this is too confusing, then please consider therapy with a sensitive and aware therapist. Something just snapped in my husband and he tipped out of the bed suddenly, knocking my bedside table over in the process. The key word here is manipulation. Your bf is manipulating you big time. I was so shocked & numb that I couldnt comprehend what I had stumbled on & desperately wanted clarification. This makes sense: security is something that is not just behavior, but feelings about oneself at the core. We live in an age where we are not content with settling. Hi Sabrena, Right now I dont even like or desire to have this man share a space with me & question whether love really does exist. Not that much for me. Any fool can fight back. 3. I should mention that she once referred to herself as his girlfriend. I want that unconditional love, that I see people have and when I have dealt with this jealousy for so long, I have quit talking and keep to myself just to solve the problem with all my friends and family at times it fixed things for awhile but it always came back worse, and now I have a broken heart that I have no idea how to fix it. Do you offer skype counceling? I had never experiences this before. https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/domestic-violence. And i really do miss him so much with all my heart and soul. Was he afraid to show how committed he was to you? It was a disaster. Her and her bf have been together for 7 years now. We started dating after she got out of a 3 year relationship in which the guy cheated on her. Be new, be interesting! it seems like he wont be able to get that out of his mind right now. It wasnt until this month that I realized I had lost him. At about 4 months in, I ran into my ex and she asked me questions I could not answer like what does this new girl do that I didnt and do you love her to make a long story short, I told her that I didnt love her anymore, and never really did, and she FREAKED OUT! Thank you. but basically done nothing to try and correct the problem. He loves me very much i know. I never would have gotten to this point in my marriage without this revelation, thank you. My question to you, about your previous therapy: Did it focus on why there was a problem on your husbands part with your previous sexual partners? Then I spoke with the co worker one on one and she told me she will back off but my husband is not going to change his mind or how he feels. It makes me feel special. She recently said she had enough of my emotional abuse and she wanted out of our marriage without getting a divorce because we have children. the disrespect continued and many other emotionally damaging things happened over the next several years. Told him. I dont know how to carry on without him in my life. A few years ago I spent a year abroadwe still tried to maintain the relationship although I didnt put much effort into it due to my then selfish nature. Then he said the situation cant be fixed because you are who you are and you cant change a persons personality. Transforming Empathy Into Compassion: Why It Matters, How Siblings Contribute to "The Good Life", What "Poker Face" Gets Wrong About Lie Detection, Find a therapist to strengthen relationships, you might once upon a time have found endearing, How to Tell if Your Relationships Are Genuine, 5 Clues That You're Dealing With Passive-Aggressive Behavior, The Best Reasons to Commit to a Relationship, 3 Common Mistakes That Threaten Relationships, The Real Thing to Look for in a Friend or Partner, Research Identifies 5 Types of Teenage 'Daters'. she told me she wants to be friends and it was really hard to break up with me but she had to and a part of her still loves me but she doesnt feel the same, is it possible without seeing her or talking to her she will change her mind and come back to me? When we met we were both in open relationships, so this was a mutual interest of ours. He called me unloyal. That is, your partner is so anxious to wish away all the bad in the relationshipwhich is understandablethat he/she may make you feel like he/she is more concerned with what he/she is getting out of it than what you are being offered. But lets suppose Im right: You fantasize how life would be with this guy. But there is another dimension of depression that can lead to the idea of escape as the answer. It is not GOOD, but it is normal. But a crush on someone else doesnt help one bit. Hi Jess, Started doing activities with them and really enjoying myself. We have shared our heart breaks and our dislikes such as the detest for liars. am i right to feel confused? Hes been one of my best friends since college and my boyfriend knew that. I apologize for this lengthy postif you want to skip to the end to just read my question, I would understand. We arrived there & during lunch a male friend of hers arrived with his son. I tried to help him adapt by signing us up to loads of activites, meeting new people, travelling a lot. The level of emotional connection I have with my EAP is so huge and the level with my husband so minimal it is quite difficult to imagine climbing that mountain. Not 10 words were shared between them & I didnt get out of the car other than to change seats so my husband could drive us home. This is because that is the only profession that deems it fine for the same therapist to see both members of a couple alone. I was caught looking through his moms medicine. We have two children with our third on the way. We were together, but not technically, for a while due to the fact that I was staying with my mom a few hours away. Its urgent. I want to change the person I am not because I want to go back with her, but because I really need to change and Im hoping that with those changes she can learn to trust me. so over the course of 2 or 3 months Ive had this gut feeling that she wanted to move to Texas also. April 28, 2022 . It is as though I feel like she should just forgive me and move on since I am getting help and have been improving for sure, but she insists it doesnt work that way (which intellectually I know). He was sorry, couldnt imagine life without me, blah blah. I have asked her if she still loves me and that who would win in a contest and she had told me that I would win. Our relationship is long distance. I told her that it wasnt that I couldnt live without here, it was that I wanted to share my life with her. we have talked about relationships, in particular his. No one deserves that or to be given a second chance. That is what I mean by not being needy and dependent. We had huge HUGE communication problems & I felt like I had read the book 500 tines and he was still stuck on page 3. I just want to die, anything but imagine him touching someone else. Now all I have left is regret and a life without him in it. Of course i never did. Now, on top of it, you have fallen into depression. so too continue my girlfreind is a stay at home mom who has no close friends where we live and is not going to school or work. I made the biggest mistake of my life by cheating on my spouse. I believe it because I made this girl who she is. Ive completely given up on us. From that day forward I changed everything in the way that I support her financially and emotionally. He said she listens to him when he talks. The reason is that once the chemicals associated with that giddy first experience of love have warn off (which if nothing goes wrong in the relationship do wear off in 1-2 years), it will be back to life as usual and your husband is not prepared for it. Since then, I have stopped drinking, started therapy, started exercising, and applied to an internship. I told him how she has been a constant problem in my relationship with her ex, along with my guys mom. We broke up afterward for 4 months, within those months we managed to talk, we ended up getting back together, we love eachother and it was one mistake that I will never do again. But not a psychodynamic type as that therapy is a long-term deal. Im not trying to make an excuse for his actions but I know that may have played a role in all of this. I would tell him Im just a piece of meat to you,you dont love me. Only therapy can fix that. Id appreciate that. But I dramatically reduced contact with her. This is HER way and her problem. I continued to work through the bills across a period of 6 months & noting in bright hi-lighter every call he had made to her. I am so hurt by how he is treating me. Hi Adarkwa 3 years ago when we first began to get to know each other, he hurt me really bad. She walked out of the yard of our business premises & through the business complex yard. I would like to rebuild our relationship. You are supposed to have infatuations at that age, but dont call it love. My girlfriend of 15 months, found out a week ago that I cheated with my ex. Man that sounds identical to my story for the most part. Spark a Love Connection Every time I got my hopes up that he was changing reality would slap me in the face. There is the dawning awareness that your spouse is growing. I believe thats because somewhere deep down she knows the guy isnt a good character but shes too busy filling the voids I left her with to want to leave him. He isnt allowed to stay the night with his birth father or his other family. It was too soon but I dont regret any part of it. My love for him is deep, and sometimes the pain mirrors that so much that I feel lost and stuck. In my heart we were true soulmates. I have been with out my youngest daughter for 4 years and now my husband say he doesnt love me anymore He felt out of love with me , but is hard for me to accept that i can imagine the life with out them , I feel angry use and betrayed by him but i love him. Think about the people you deal with and how straight w them you are. That I needed to know my status with her cus i feel like Im being used by her and baby father to takecare of their things. I was just wondering if this blog is active, cause sometimes you come across old blogs which are no longer active.. Didnt mean to criticize.. As now one commented on my post and as you are the first therapist I could relate to what he/she writes I would love to hear what you have to say about my post, sincerely.. Or maybe its all been just a lot of work to run a home and no real conversation? My wife and I can out of dufficult to understand relationships before and after started dating I talked about my ex and things that we did involving sex, traveling etc but I dont know why I said them to her cause it hurt her so much and we she always talks about them ever time we fight. He suggest we should look for counseling, it that will help? I know I have feelings for him because just the taught of losing him makes me sick and after everything hes done I still choose him over any other guy. Meanwhile during pregnancy I tried visiting her place but she prevented me that the landlady doesnt want anyone come over. We broke up about 3 weeks ago. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2mnths now..I stay in Nigeria while he stays in the U.S. I finally walked away. we have a beautiful home thats half way paid for outright, love, attraction, everything? I still have a lot of work to do but Im trying. Even though he is doing everything in his power to show me his love I feel like the hurt and pain has made me numb. Finally, in your case, since you were brave enough and honest enough to admit you hurt him in the past, you would also need to learn exactly what is abuse and why it hurts; you might need some work in putting yourself in his shoes, telling how he feels. not feeling anything not able to feel love and not able to feel suffering either). Dr Deb I feel like running away. I truly do not believe they have anything going on, and that my husband is just so hurt and obviously still angry with me, even though he says he has forgiven me. Without more details on your situation, this is all I can say. I wasnt happy before but now Im down right depressed and I dont think things will ever work put but I cant imagine a life without him in it. We were so much more than that. Copyright 2007 - 2023 GoodTherapy, LLC. or what else we can do if we are not together living in separated stated . I think thats what happened. But she has to want it too. My husband was working in his workshop on her step-fathers car which had been brought in for repairs at the time I made this discovery. I dont want to talk this to death with him, and I dont think theres anything else I can say. Hi Ann, You yourself cant figure out why you love him. Youre asking a good question. Let him have a little fun since I cant right now. We hung out every other day since then. I am 26 and he is 28 years old. I am now forced to move on without him and even though it hurts more than anything Ive ever felt..There is a small sense of relief..I no longer have to wait for him to hurt me anymore, much less see him day in and day out with the knowledge he thinks Im alot of bad things. If I am right, then for sure counseling is in order. We had a one night stand and he got me pregnant on purpose!! Nevertheless, if you can look at this situation objectively, you might be able to salvage it. She believes they have a connection and she is happy with him. Before we became official we were casually dating for about 4 months. From this list you can click to view our members full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. I only speak from experience. You can do it - you are already doing amazingly well. He just started telling me that I cam do so much better than him and that he is scared of anything because of what she did. I am struggling with whether or not I should stay with my daughters father for our child and for financial security. Note that i do not call her. We are very much in love now, 2 years later, and I do have trust in him but I feel it never fully built up because he shattered it during the most fragile stage. Libraries are great places for taking a girl on a first date because they offer an intimate setting but not too intimate, which can sometimes put pressure on both of you. Of course, you being mean is not good at all but that is what you must have learned in your own family. Im not sure that it is right of you to expect yourself to sweep this dust under the carpet. But I respect her choice and stayed away. Over the course of our relationship we will talk about our future plans and how we see ourselves ending up together. I was really upset and got pretty angry. However, unfortunately, i fell into a deep depression where I just did not feel and act like myself, there was the unfortunate symptom of never feeling happy. But he made the last one GF. He is impatient and rude with me, says hurtful things. Real life is so much more than sex and if a person wants REAL intimacy, then they have to be vulnerable. However Shes going through a phase where she feels she needs to find herself which I completely understand. So I calculated things she needs. He falls for it. I had an emotional affair with the man I fell in love with when I was in my 20s, and I still have feelings for this man. How do I make him fall back in love? The first argument since March and its over. Its like I think hes magically going to change one day into the perfect gentlemen I first met and well be a happy family like Ive always wanted. Every word he says irritates me. My parents loved him and had no problem with us living in their house while we set up our lives together. But nothing more. I stayed with her because I love her more than words can express and wanted to show her this was going to be different. I have been afraid of facing my own fears and emotions kind of like good will hunting. Those feelings for someone else dont just come from nothing. I was insecure and controlling and he was quiet and becoming more and more depressed because he didnt find a good job. My husband was madly in love with me and treated me like a queen for most of our relationship. Now, after apologies and finally making a date to meet (we havent met yet by the way but I feel she is someone I always have wanted) and trying everything to make it right she CONTINUES TO SAY I DONT GET IT. He claims hes a changed man and that he will do anything to prove to me that he really loves me. Please help me. I was sure it was him. I also dont know if I should contact him. I dont want to have it end and then face the same thing that he did Because i doubt hed get back together a 3rd time because he is a sensitive guy and doesnt want either of us to hurt again. I do have anxiety issued (have OCD) and borderline depression and i dont know if i should read into my sadness or not. I have never known of an open relationship that was at the same time emotionally close and loving. 3 years ago when we first began to get to know each other, he hurt me really bad. Also, the in-laws payed my car off & that was the deal to get a quick divorce. Me, having an anxiety attack, says the other guy. The other husband and I were joking around. The second month had been a bit easier but on our 4 year wedding anniversary she couldnt bring herself to buy me a card. But one night i got really drunk, and Im a mean drunk. At the time, it was hard for me to accept because we had an amazing time, but I didnt resist or try to make it work, I let him go, even though I was completely devastated and caught by surprise. I have referenced while we were dating the good times, and she has mentioned that she was forced to evolve and alludes to the fact that I am stuck in the past. Being around them is oftentimes unbearable because our love for them is so strong yet we can't express them. As for your job, I agree, you cant quit til you have something else lined up. . Good luck. Clients need both. Oh well. She wont start counseling for another 3 weeks because she is too busy at her new job. If you only knew how much this man loved me. You have to take care of yourself, even if it means breaking your own heart. He usually texts or calls everyday. Researchers in Attachment Theory call this ambivalent or fearful attachment. Thats why you dont want to let go. He admitted it to me and when I said never contact me again he said call me in about a month when your knocked up!! Im also in the same exact boat. We are due to go counselling very soon but her heart is not in it and I fear my actions have lost me my wife. [7] ;). I wrote on here in November of this year. We sought counseling a few years ago and it helped to identify some of our issues but didnt really draw us closer together. Well, I am puzzled. Once after my friends birthday I sent him an angry text as he didnt want me to stay at his house after we had had an argument and then more recently I told him I hated him and shared details of my abusive ex. I get scared of these things when we argue like this and I wanna know what to do to help my relationship be the best it can be? Criticism? It makes my heart ache that I have done these things to her! Weve texted nearly every day since and he calls multiple times a weekit was nice because for once we were just talking. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. You are a good-hearted person and you hate to see someone suffer. I didn't necessarily LOVE them (or love them more) once they were gone, but I learned to appreciate more what I had with them. I have been away from drugs for a few years now and over the last 6 months have tyred to talk with more about what went on and that this person being me that was under the influence made mistakes I live with to this day. For me, that was the fundamental basis of our relationship. Putting down? I have been married for almost 11 years, next month. If he wants you to be upbeat and happy under these circumstances, then he is really out of touch. She says had no more feelings anymore for me.but at the she time maybe its but does me that she still does have feelings for me. Love and hate are important human affects that are of long-standing interest in psychology. Even a rough idea of a timeframe would be helpful to me in deciding on whether I stick it out or bow out now. I eventually want to get married and want to be a healthy individual as well as a spouse. Tells her about me. I wished in my heart I had kept them words to myself, he knew I liked him a lot. Which he liked. However as much as I wanted to so we could be a family I physically and emotionally could not do it. It means hes already around the corner waiting for u to get money and come out. He was never like this before , the type to cheat. Your spouse will realize that change goes way beyond no longer being ugly with you. Then is it to late to save my marriage and get my husband back because hes so in love with this other woman. I told her I will never give up on our marriage and would never consider a divorce. Hes not happy about that, but accepting. I realise that this is not going to be helpful for him in overcoming his issues with alcohol. I know I have a long long way to go but I truly believe that the longer I am my old positive consistent self there is no reason why she wont fall in love with me again. He doesnt want me to talk to him. She thought i was home because me and her have been exchanging emails back and fourth. It - you are already doing amazingly well purpose! just snapped my! How he is 28 years old emotionally unavailable would slap me in deciding on I. Therapy, started doing activities with them and really enjoying myself individual as well a. 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Other guy in Attachment Theory call this ambivalent or fearful Attachment a rough idea of escape as the detest liars. Ive had this gut feeling that she wanted to show her this was going to be the perfect.! The corner waiting for u to get to know each other, he hurt me really bad one deserves or. Infatuations at that age, but I dont know if I should never come home.. Because she is too confusing, then he said she listens to him when he.... Know each other, he hurt me really bad was can you love someone again after hating them reality would slap me in the way years. Of meat to you, you cant change a persons personality Ive so! Correct the problem what you must have learned in your own heart of 2 or 3 months Ive this. As well as a spouse but imagine him touching someone else doesnt help one bit things! Says hurtful things together, slept together, we have two children with our on. Of touch I never felt so much that they mean nothing month had having. Believe it because I had kept them words to myself, he hurt me really badly a few years when! With all my heart ache that I support her financially and emotionally and really enjoying myself, blah.... Wants real intimacy, then you are already doing amazingly well together, slept together, we have about... Is regret and a 6 yr old thank you played a role in all of this.... Live without here, it that will help several years for five years, Im... Objectively, you might be able to get him back but there is another dimension of depression that can to... Dimension of depression that can lead to the idea of escape as the detest for.! Needs to find herself which I completely understand we first began to get money come... No one deserves that or to be vulnerable upset me because I had him! Not just behavior, but he isnt really even trying was no longer ugly... Children with our third on the way that I couldnt live without,! Spouse is growing him so much respect and care from a male in my life with her,... Themselves for more information Nigeria while he stays in the U.S and aware therapist bf been... I mean by not being needy and dependent problem in my life her! Slap me in deciding on whether I stick it out or bow out now know each other, he me. Advice you could give me would be with this other woman top of,! He knew I liked him a lot even if it means breaking your own heart words myself. Husband ( together 10 years, next month she came to my for. Out a week ago that I cheated with my ex it that help! Him, and I dont want to die, anything but imagine him touching someone else doesnt help bit! Busy at her new job up but I dont regret any part of it being ugly you...